Any old puns?
As the creator of God (and son…) I can make the sky pixie say whatever I want.
So no different from church leaders and the original preachers then…
Have a cracking day guys! I know a lot of readers won’t know what I’m on about, but hey, I don’t need to make sense….. just like the bible…
Matthew 1:16~ When as his mother Mary was espoused to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with child of the Holy Ghost.
So, Mary was married to Joseph, but hadn’t yet met Joseph, and still got her funk on with the giant cloud sitting sky pixie… and Joseph accepted that his wife hadn’t slept around, so didn’t stone her to death, as commanded in the bible…?
Hmmm, looks like Christians have always been quick to follow the easy answer & not question the truth…
In my head last night…
“Oops! I forgot to write a cartoon for tomorrow, I need something quick & dirty…“
Neil Armstrong, the first man on the Moon, died yesterday (25th August 2012), aged 82.
Gopher wood… A miracle of wood!
Yup, this wood (only ever mentioned in the Bible directly – Genesis 6-14) must have had magic powers…
You see, the RMS Titanic was almost 4 times taller than Noah’s Ark, almost 1.25 times wider than the Ark, made of structural steel AND THEN it was only just big enough to carry enough food & water to last 3,500 people long enough to make a 2 week journey.
Gopher wood bestowed TARDIS like powers over the much smaller & weaker Ark, allowing stowage for enough food and water to last over 31,000 warm blooded creatures, AND 2,012,000 cold blooded creatures for 52 weeks… Equally amazing, this gopher wood had properties that stopped the food rotting.
It’s such a shame this wood stopped existing after Genesis… It would have really helped the sailors of galleons and merchant ships in the great days of sailing ships! No more salted and dried meat, rotten fruit and mouldy bread!
Put it this way, the Titanic, for a 2 week voyage, carried for supplies: 75,000lb meat, 11,000lb fish, 40,000 eggs, 40 tonnes of potatoes, 3,500lb of onions, 36,000 apples, 1,000 loaves of bread, and each DAY it required 14,000 gallons of drinking water.
The other amazing thing bestowed by gopher wood is the remarkable way it absorbed all the bodily waste produced by all that lived aboard… After all, only the humans would have had the brains to crap overboard… and then they’d have to clean up after all of those creatures… All 2 million plus…. That’s a lot of crap…
… I mean the whole Ark story, and also the amount of faeces…
Thanks to Pat Evans for pointing out a typo where I totally forgot the mammals… Oops!
It took all the strength I had not to fall apart,
Now I am trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart,
I spent oh so many nights just feeling sorry for myself,
I used to cry, but now I hold my head up high,
And you see me, somebody new,
I am not that chained up little person still in love with you…
It’s not easy making the step away from religion if you’ve always been religious, or even just a doubter.
It’s a feeling of free fall, like falling in a dream, as the realisation hits you that YOU are in control of YOUR life.
Some people need the security of a god.
Some people need the sky pixie comforter.
Some people aren’t so weak.
Yup… Let go of the sky pixie tails & enjoy being YOU.
How can you hate something that doesn’t exist?
I dislike those who think that way…
More to the point… How can they love something that doesn’t exist? That’s even more puzzling…
Pick & choose, la de da…
Note: Depending on your stance, the sabbath falls on different days. I’ve gone with Sunday. Any of the others would have also been as daft & inconsistent.
New International Version (©1984)
“And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full.
But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.
GOD’S WORD® Translation (©1995)
“When you pray, don’t be like hypocrites. They like to stand in synagogues and on street corners to pray so that everyone can see them. I can guarantee this truth: That will be their only reward.
When you pray, go to your room and close the door. Pray privately to your Father who is with you. Your Father sees what you do in private. He will reward you.
Okay… If you pray, do it in private. Praying for any other reason than for you to communicate in person with god, in private, alone, is not a good thing… So aside from pissing on prayer circles, this has many knock on effects… like politicians shouting out about how righteous they are… and by doing so, automatically showing how righteous they aren’t… Oh yeah, and those sports personalities who do little prayers before running a race. Burn.
But I digress…
New International Version (©1984)
For six days, work is to be done, but the seventh day is a Sabbath of rest, holy to the LORD. Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death.
New American Standard Bible (©1995)
‘For six days work may be done, but on the seventh day there is a sabbath of complete rest, holy to the LORD; whoever does any work on the sabbath day shall surely be put to death.
King James Bible (Cambridge Ed.)
Six days may work be done; but in the seventh is the sabbath of rest, holy to the LORD: whosoever doeth any work in the sabbath day, he shall surely be put to death.
Okay, I get the picture… Don’t work Sunday, or God will rip your head off and dance on your sinful corpse…
So where does that lead religious leaders, from vicars & priests up to the pope & other heads of religious cults?
These leaders take to the pulpit or whatever they use, every Sunday, AND they pray in front of people… Publicly! Mind you, all of the people who go to watch, ALSO pray!!! They are just as bad!
Actually, no. Those who go to listen & pray aren’t as bad as the evil sinner at the front…
These sinners at the front, they receive payment for working a Sunday & need to be stoned to death. I suggest we do that right now, to save their souls!!! (No, I don’t really suggest that, because that would be as stupid as the bible itself).
Of course. Things cost money, so they need money – even though they seem determined to spout make believe rather than do proper work.
In 2000 there was a news item on the BBC about vicars wanting more money. At the time they released these figures:
Parish clergy: £16,420
Cathedral-based canons: £20,200
Junior bishops: £24,790
Diocesan bishops: £30,120
Archbishop of Canterbury: £55,660
As a guide, the latest salary for a vicar I found is £26,565 – So you could also cautiously put about 60% on all of those 2000 salaries. (Found via My Salary)
It includes a job spec… A sinful Sunday working job spec…
The average salary for a Vicar in the UK is: £26,585
Job profile for a Vicar:
Preparing and leading Sunday church services, visiting the sick, preach sermons and lead the chuch in mission and out reach to the local community. Chair various church and community comittees. Conduct Baptisms, weddings and funerals. Facilitate relavant youthwork and wider community involvement such as drop ins and the like. Pioneers fresh expressions of worship for the current generation. Often act as curator for an old building overseeing its care and repair.
Amazing what careers can be made by spouting bullshit.