The Aristocrats joke… It’s not so much the joke, but the journey…
Before it starts… The following take on the Aristocrats joke has been made using sections of the bible. Instructions commanded by God. True, the language has been brought up to date, but the spirit is as true (ha!) as it was when it was laid out in the Bible.
So, if you find it offensive, what ever you do, DO NOT READ THE BIBLE. It’s full of this depravity.
Oh yeah, they teach the very same bible to children…
A family walks into a talent agency. It’s a father, mother, son, daughter and three dogs. There are several talent agents and the father says to one of them, “We have a really amazing act. You should represent us.”
The agent says, “Sorry, We don’t represent family acts. They’re a little too cute.”
The mother says, “Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us.”
The agent says, “OK. OK. We’ll take a look.”
The wife asks an office boy in from the corridor and asks him to lie down, where she covers him up and then nails his head to the ground with a tent peg. The father then calls in some workers from outside and offers his wife and daughter to them to rape and sodomise.
Whilst the workers are screwing his wife and daughter to death, the father takes his son and starts beating him against a rock until he is dead. The workers cut up his wife and daughter and leave.
The father steps over the bloody mess & finds a young maiden who he then rapes. He then asks her to marry him, but she refuses, so he takes her to her fathers house, and gathers then men of the village to stone her to death.
The man then attacks one of the other talent scouts and kills him, taking his girlfriend who was their with him. He forces her to strip, shave her head, and then he screws her, but she’s not that into it, so he lets her go… but as she leaves some people from the next door office come into the talent agents office saying that they can’t believe what’s going on. The father then charges into their office, piles all of there belongings up & sets fire to it, along with those that didn’t believe.
Then some work experience boys see the mess in the agency office & start screaming at the father; ‘YOU FREAK! YOU BALD LUNATIC!!!’ at which two she-bears charge into the room and rip the young lads to a bloody death.
One of he talent agents says he can see this will get out of hand, so the father screams at him; ‘SORCERER! VIEWER OF FUTURE EVENTS!!!’ and strikes him to the floor, bombarding him with stones until dead. It’s now that a second son turns up screaming at his father for the crap he is pulling, but the father soon quietens the boy down by breaking his face open with a large rock for talking badly at him.
A cleaning lady sees this all happening and exclaims; ‘JESUS CHRIST! IN GODS NAME YOU CAN’T EXPECT ME TO CLEAR THIS HOLY MESS UP?!?’ So the man turns to her and clubs her to death with a chair for blaspheming.
To finish off, the man goes to the office water fountain & wrenches it from the wall, flooding the room. One of the dogs drown, but the other two – a male and a female – escape on a floating office desk.
For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages; “That’s a hell of an act. What do you call it?”
And the father says, “The Christians!”
A few people have asked for references to the chapters used. A quick reference you can use is HERE. Then you can do what I did & checked that they were right, by going to the Bible itself.
That’s pretty much the lazy way the joke was written. I read those ‘Evil Bible‘ sections, then confirmed them against the Bible, then made up a section of the joke. I modernised the language to suit the current era and inserted a few plot links to join one section to another, but the acts themselves are lifted straight from the bible.
I could save you time & list them chapter & verse, but I figure you should go and read it to see what a cluster-fuck of ass-hattery the whole book & religion is. Take your own word for it, then spread it first hand.
Thanks for all the support it has been given though! Much appreciated folks.
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